Friday, February 27, 2009

Perfection

I am a perfectionist. There are no two ways about it. I was walking my dog this morning and we passed an older man walking his dog. My dog was, of course, very interested in this. I found myself hollering at her just because she wasn't next to me. It wasn't until I reached my building that I realized, not only do I expect absolute perfection from myself, but also from everyone around me, including my dog. That's pretty pathetic. I'm sure from the outside it looks like I have it all together... and I do... neatly in folders, stacks, and binders. But I'm fragile. I want things to work out all the time and when it doesn't I fall apart. I can remember back to when I was so depressed that nothing mattered at all. Although it was a pretty horrible place to be, I cannot remember giving a damn about half the things that I obsess over now. I want to go back to a place where I can live freely. Look around and enjoy my surroundings. That's what I need to focus on. It's not easy.

I've been completely distracted with my finances for two weeks now. It's horrible. It may be part of my perfectionistic curse but I obsess and just don't know when to stop. I read article after article about reducing debt and managing your money. I can't seem to get anywhere. Not because I'm not motivated or because I don't have any money; It's because all the people, places, and things in my life aren't aligned. I have solutions but it doesn't matter if no one listens. I'm not incredibly original, but I listen to what other have to say and try to come up with the best way that it could work for me. I'm smart. I'm driven. Why can't others see that what I'm saying makes sense? Why must opposition find me at every turn? I can never seem to progress forward. When... WHEN will I be able to start heading towards my goals? I know when, but I'm stuck and it feels like a stalemate.

1 comment:

  1. We are total opposites. i work best when things are chaotic and not perfect.

    But I understand where you are coming from. The last 2 lines of this post is exactly how I feel right now.

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